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The boys of today will make terrible lovers.

You guys ever masturbate?

It’s really really easy these days! I can just turn on my computer, type “vaginas” into Word Perfect, and I’m ready.

But back when I started working on mah bird, all there was was HBO. And back before The Sopranos, even back before First and Ten, all HBO had on at night were about 15 titty movies they’d show over and over and over. And with HBO titty movies you got three, maybe four really good long stares at lady parts.

After a few times, you’d know when those scenes were, so that the next time the movie came on you could be all, “OK, I’ve got fifteen minutes before we see something. It’s right after the Mister Mr. song, when her shirt gets caught on the antenna.” That’s when you’d get your rub on.

But here’s the thing! You wanted to finish at the right time, while you were looking at your goal. Moving target, you know? And even the best of us couldn’t go through the entire cycle in the eight — MAYBE eleven — seconds that there was an uninterrupted nipple on the screen. So, you risked messing the coverlet at the wrong time. Maybe right afterwards, when she’s covering herself up, or even worse, when the fat guy is in a closeup shouting, “GENTLEMEN WE HAVE YABOS.” Because that would make you gay.

So one had a strategy. You’d toy with yourself, coquettishly, so you were on what the HBO Hair Trigger. You’d have to keep yourself right on the edge, for a good half hour sometimes. That way, when you saw your quarry, you were only about twelve good pumps away. BLAMMO.

I won’t deny that, if I couldn’t wait for night time HBO, I’d settle for MTV. Which means a ZZ Top video. The stakes were higher, and for less payoff. I mean, all you’re getting is some skinny model thigh, risked against blowing it at a smiling Texan who has a beard with bits of gravel stuck in it.

Anyway, that is CONTROL. That is BRINKSMANSHIP.

And it is something that the kids of the internet generation will never, ever have to develop. Except maybe for the ones in shitty places like North Korea. Those guys have it rough.

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